A Tale of Two Afterschool Programs, Part 2

As I recounted in Part I of this series, I came to the conclusion last fall that the after school program my son was attending was not suitable for him, and probably not for any child who was imperfect in any way. It certainly was not suitable for a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Lawrence was not happy there, and I was concerned about what the impact of the constant reprimands and punishments would be. I felt that if Lawrence was always seen as the bad kid he might eventually decide that it wasn't worth even trying to behave.

In addition, the lack of a clear disciplinary process and escalation of issues seemed very unprofessional. I felt that the people running the program were well-meaning, but ill-equipped to handle even minor conflicts. And with ADHD, even if the child is taking medication, you're always going to have a certain number of conflicts.

I turned to an afterschool program we had investigated the year before, the Jewish Community Center of Berkeley. I had read great reviews of the JCC on Berkeley Parents List (which boasts lots of good advice, even if you don't live in the area). We set up a visit immediately, and I was favorably impressed. Not only were there several rooms for the kids (unlike one small room at his current afterschool program) and a large outside area, but the children were able to take classes like cooking, theater, art, dance and even a circus arts class (held at an outside location). This was a definite plus, as children with ADHD need novelty and intellectual stimulation. We enrolled Lawrence at the JCC, and he settled in happily.

One afternoon when I came to pick Lawrence up, about six weeks after he started at JCC, the afterschool program director, Joey, asked to talk to me in his office. I had the ADHD parent's knee-jerk reaction, "What has he done now?" Joey assured me that no big problems had happened, but that he wanted my help in dealing with Lawrence's disruptiveness, especially when Joey was taking attendance, and during the Shabbat service.

I explained that Lawrence's ADHD made it very difficult for him to sit still and be quiet for longer than a couple of minutes. "I have ADHD, and I can assure you that he's not being intentionally disruptive or rude - he's just dealing with more ‘ants in the pants' than a lot of other kids, and it takes more control for him to stay quiet and still." I added that Lawrence really wanted to be helpful and liked Joey a lot.

I explained a little bit more about ADHD and what challenges Lawrence faced with it, such as impulsivity and social awkwardness. Joey listened intently, and when I was done said, "Okay, good. I understand better now what he's dealing with."

Joey brought Lawrence in, and both of us explained to him what we had been discussing. Joey impressed on Lawrence that he would be helping Joey a lot if he could keep the fidgeting and talking out under control while attendance was being taken. "I need you on my team, Lawrence," he said, "helping me to get things done." Joey came up with the idea of reminding Lawrence what he was supposed to be doing, in a way that wouldn't embarrass him. He would say, "Lawrence, you on my team?" if Lawrence was acting out.

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A Tale of Two Afterschool Programs, Part 1

When my son started elementary school a couple of years ago, I was delighted to find that there was day care on the school grounds. He was in morning kindergarten, so he went there after school at 11 AM. I wasn't crazy about how small the day care room was, but I was told that they used the playscape outside extensively. The big draw was that Lawrence was right there on school grounds, and would be picked up at the door to his classroom.

In retrospect, I realize that we weren't given any information about how discipline was handled, which I now know to be a red flag. About a month after school started, my husband, who was working at home, got a phone call - "Come pick Lawrence up." Apparently another boy had been throwing cupfuls of water under the stall at Lawrence when Lawrence was on the toilet. Responding with an ADHD child's impulsivity, Lawrence charged out of the stall, grabbed the kid and stuck his hand in the toilet. (I know I shouldn't find this funny, but I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing when I first heard about it.)

I explained that Lawrence has ADHD, and therefore tends to act before he thinks, but they seemed totally uninterested in hearing what I had to say. It became clear over the next few months that the response to most infractions was to ask us to pick Lawrence up. Once my husband started working across the bay in San Francisco, that was not at all feasible. And anyway, I was wondering what I was paying these people for, if they couldn't even handle disputes between children. In over two years at preschool, we had never been asked to pick Lawrence up. A preschool teacher would talk to us when we picked him up at the end of the day if anything had happened that they were concerned about, but all the teachers loved him, and there were very few problems.

I reached the end of my rope with the elementary school day care last fall, when Lawrence was in first grade. The day care supervisor called me in a dither and said Lawrence had been talking inappropriately. I was somewhat surprised, since he has never done that, and asked for details. Apparently he was telling other children that his penis hurt. Well, he had hurt himself badly enough the previous week by falling flat on his front on the playground that he had an ice pack on his crotch for half an hour at home after I picked him up, and it still was bothering him to some extent. Given that my husband and I were pretty matter-of-fact when we talked to him about it, he may not have realized that there was anything inappropriate in talking about it.

But the woman I talked to was very upset that he mentioned this in front of kindergartners (a whole year younger - gasp! What a pervert!) and girls. Many of his friends are girls. He doesn't think of them as girls, per se. They're just other kids.

I reiterated that he has ADHD and is sometimes a little tone-deaf when it comes to social skills, but said I'd explain to him that it was not something he should talk about in front of other kids. I understood that they had to be concerned about other parents' reactions. But the supervisor made him feel terrible about the whole thing, as though he had done something really shameful. That upset me, and what concerned me was that he might absorb that kind of attitude from them. He already was used to being considered the bad kid at day care, and I was beginning to get extremely worried about his emotional well being.

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